Challenge

I haven't been challenged on my person, my character, for a long time. Tonight, though, is one of those challenges. And it isn't fun, growing. I stand between the choice of dwelling in the pain, turning my frustration onto that which is outside my control or dealing with my reaction, my frustration, inside myself.

In these situations I find it helpful to map out which areas within a relationship is my responsibility and which is not. The area within my sphere of control, my responsibility area, must be dealt with by myself, must be addressed by me. If I don't assume control of this area, it assumes control of me by turning into an area of bitterness, darkness. And so, when coming across this area, I will always feel pain (and eventually numbness) if I don't assume control of it.

The areas outside of my control are interesting as well, as they are the actions of others. This is essentially the same as the circumstances which I find myself in. I can't control these - only react to them! It is this reaction which is within my control and this I must control.

But its hard as it isn't solely a mental exercise ("don't think about pink elephants!") but a searching of the soul, not allowing the soul to dwell on the pain or in the darkness but continually bending my entire being, my entire perception of 'reality', towards Good - maintaining an intent focus on Beauty, Truth and Life. Letting myself be infuriated with my weakness and then letting go of Past and Future and letting myself exist now: I am the Ivan of the Present. Past is what I allow it to be, Future is never Present: I am Now. I am never Ivan the (past/future) Failure for I cannot cease to exist outside of this naked and time-independent Present.